


Cancer

by RavenFliesDownwards



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Depressing, Hurt/Comfort, Mikey Way - Freeform, Other, Ray Toro - Freeform, bob bryar - Freeform, frank euro, gerard way - Freeform, my chemical romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28007874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenFliesDownwards/pseuds/RavenFliesDownwards
Summary: Fourteen year old Raven is trapped with her abusive father and sick mother. Her father gambles away all of their money and they are forced to move in with her grandparents.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is a new thing that I’m working on.
> 
> I am also publishing this on wattpad under the same username, just to let you know, I don’t want to be accused of plagiarising my own work lol. 
> 
> A big trigger warning for this whole book because it can get quite heavy!

Pale droplets of water make their way down our beat up cars windows, the rain echoing the dreary mood of the four occupants.

My mother, sat as far away from my father as possible in the front, leaning against the window. I think if she could fully leave the car she would. They'd been arguing again and he'd slapped her; a normal occurrence, but added with the severity of our current situation, she's upset.

Probably more than upset, considering that my monster of a father had just gambled away our home, leaving us completely homeless. 

He's an awful man, someone that I do my best to stay away from if possible, but usually end up being at the receiving end of his anger, and my god theirs a lot of it. 

When he's around I turn into a living, breathing slave, obeying all his commands, in constant fear of becoming his target once again. 

When I'm not around him I'm a walking bag of nerves, his years of inflicted mental and physical torture turning me into a nervous wreck. 

My anxiety is always much too high, and my panic attacks too frequent. 

My parents unfortunately know about my panic attacks and I was forced to be diagnosed with chronic anxiety. My father doesn't believe it, and persistently uses it as an alibi for his acts.

She's upset; anxiety.  
She's got a black eye; self inflicted.

She's mentally ill, what do you expect?

And yes, whilst I still suffer from mental illness, most of the wounds on my body are from my father, the cigarette burns, the bruises always formed over my stomach due to his constant kicks.

I hate that man with all my life; I want to escape him. 

But yet I settle for starving myself, my cruel form of control that I have been using for years.

Father yells at me, skip dinner.

It sounds stupid, but it helps, at least I have control over my ever decreasing body fat.

It never used to be bad, just a skipped meal here and there.

But now it's becoming everyday.

The weakness in my shaky hands, the black spots whenever I stand.

It's not good; I know it's not.

But at least if I am to die from it I'll finally be away from him. 

It started off with an urge to be skinny, but now it's an urge to be a walking skeleton, as little as can be.

It turned into an addiction, and often times the thought of food scares me. 

And yet nobody notices, nobody cares, not until I wake up, a corpse in my own bed. 

I honestly don't know why my mind always becomes dark whenever I think, I feel as if the years of constant belittling from not only my father, but my peers has taken a toll on me.

I can never feel okay, even when away from him. 

The gritty voices in my head screaming at me about my little self worth; forcing me to put myself in as much harm as possible.

Perhaps it's a good thing that's he's abusive, maybe I would I have killed myself by now from my own acts already.

//

We finally pull off of the main road and into a town, we must be near. 

I hide under my long, unkept black hair as I face my shoes, a pair of old doc martens that I had found in a charity shop. 

Their black paint may be flaking, but I love them all the same. 

I was never given an allowance, apart from a few meagre dollars that my mother would force into my hands whenever my father was too intoxicated to notice. 

My small amount or clothes are secondhand, but I make them work. 

My skinny jeans, which do not fit my waist whatsoever, are held on by a belt wrapped around my waist multiple times. 

I would rip them, but I can't, in fear of my fathers marks striking out from the holes.

I wear a simple black Tshirt with a graphic design on it, a good find for the local charity shop. As well as a plain black hoodie which is actually my size for once. 

The car stops. 

"This is it, I remember this house" my mother says, timidly, the years of his abuse taking a toll on her as well.

"WHAT IF THEY'VE MOVED? DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THAT?" He screams, spit flying from his mouth as he speaks.

"It was our only option" she manages to squeak out, causing him to grunt as an answer. 

I can tell that he wants to start an argument, but if my grandparents really do live here I don't think that would be a good first impression. 

As much as he loves to abuse us, he keeps it hidden among others. 

"Raven, stay put, AND DONT FUCKING THINK OF LEAVING THIS CAR!" my father turns and yells at me.

I nod, he thinks I'll fuck things up for them. 

/////


	2. Chapter 2

It's cold in the car, in the New Jersey winter and the heat turned off, so cold that I begin to feel my teeth chattering.

It's lonely too, my phone running out of charge a long time ago. 

The voices are playing up, hissing into my ear brutally.

I want to pull my silver razor from my bag and wreck havoc on my body, but I can't, not now, it's not safe.

Nobody must ever know.

I doubt my parents would even bat an eyelid, my mum perhaps, but my father would probably encourage it, as it gives me more pain when he's not around to abuse me.

I try not to think about it, the tears are already steadily dripping from my eyelids once again, a regular occurrence when I'm left to my thoughts. 

I shudder, pulling my hoodie tighter around me, it's so cold in this car that I find myself shaking.

I hope my father comes to get me soon, as judging by the time that they've spent inside, things have been sorted out, and we're getting somewhere to live.

And also judging by the amount of time they've been inside he's forgotten about me, or simply just wants me away from him. 

I lean my head against the headrest, trying my best to stop my brain from overthinking.

//

BANG 

I jump up, eyes flittering around as I try to the find the culprit of the loud bang, my body going into fight or flight mode almost instantly.

I turn my head to see two figures stood outside my car, two who are not definitely not my father. 

Are they trying to break into the car? I think, causing me to panic slightly.

"Hey, Raven? Your dad said you were in the car" I hear a voice say. 

Who are these people? Are they here to hurt me? 

Although, his voice didn't seem menacing at all, and judging by the little I can see of him from the fogged up car window, his body language doesn't seem aggressive.

"I'm your uncle" he states, causing my head to snap up.

I have an uncle? 

I still keep my lips pressed tightly shut. Around new people I rarely speak, I wouldn't go as extreme to call it selective mutism, but it's something that I definitely struggle with. 

My black hair drapes over most of my face as I clamber out of the car, keeping myself obscured from the two people who I assume to Both be my uncles. 

My body remains shaking from the cold as I exit the car. It's the same temperature outside as it is inside the car, no wonder I'm half frozen. 

I look at the men and notice that the one who was talking to me, the older one of the two, has shaggy black hair, and is looking at me like he's expecting me to say something.

The other, the younger one, has straight blonde hair, his face framed nicely by a pair of black glasses. 

"So, my names Gerard, and he's Mikey" the man with the black hair says.

I still can't speak. 

It's not that I don't want to speak, it's more that I feel that my chest is physically pressed down on, as if theirs a restrictive hold on my vocal chords. 

I nod at them both. 

I brush my hair back slightly, into my usual side parting. 

I see Gerard gasp. 

"You look so much like your mum" Gerard states, looking at me in shock. 

And that's when he comes in for a hug, wrapping his arms around me. 

The second he pulls me in I stiffen in his grasp, I'm not used to physical comfort. 

I think the last hug that I've had most have been years ago, and the feeling is unnatural, but not horrible.

In fact, I feel myself relax into my uncles arms.

I feel safe, much too safe.

I can't trust him? Can I? 

What if he's just the same as the others.

But my gut feeling remains even as Gerard pulls away from the hug. 

Mikey then comes forwards, and pulls me into his skinny chest.

The same feeling yet again, of comfort, of warmth, radiates from him; safety. 

When mikey pulls away I feel my body begin to shake yet again from the cold. 

"Hey, are you cold?" Mikey asks, a concerned look etched onto his face, noticing my shaking body, as I remain standing quite close next to him. 

I shrug my shoulders.

In all honesty I'm frozen to the core from the biting cold, but I don't know whether to say yes or not. 

If I am to admit to being nearly frozen to death, my fingertips stinging at the winds rough touch, my father could get into trouble for leaving me in the car, which could mean pain for me later. 

"Raven?" I hear a voice say, a hand coming down across my vision. 

I turn to see Gerard crouched down looking at me, a worried expression on my face, which can only mean one thing. 

I've managed to zone out yet again, a habit that my body seems to take on more and more recently.

Sometimes it can be particularly hard to get out of, although I rarely have anyone to try and get me out of it. It always teachers, believing that I'm not paying attention in their lessons. 

Sometimes I'll realise that I've been sat looking at a wall for hours, lost in my head. 

"Hey, you okay there?" Gerard asks, causing me to nod; I'm not being injured, therefore I am okay. 

Mikey give Gerard a look, one that I cannot work out, due to only meeting them less than a couple of minutes ago, before taking off his coat and wrapping it around my shoulders.

It fits my frame loosely, but already I feel my body heat up slightly as I pull it around myself. 

Feeling somewhat safe around the two, I decided that I need to at least show my gratitude. 

"A-a-a-re you s—s-sh-hure" I manage to stutter out, my anxiety taking my words and drawing them out. 

I want to crawl into a hole and die after my shitty sentence. A prime example as to why I don't open my mouth. 

Gerard looks a bit shocked, whether it's at the fact that I've managed to speak, or that my voice is so awfully stuttered. 

"Yeah, of course, you look cold" mikey says, smiling at me. 

"Do you two want to head in? it's fucking cold!" Gerard exclaims, causing mikey to nod and me to give a thumbs up, not ready to talk yet after my previous embarrassment. 

I follow behind Gerard, and find myself lagging behind, letting mikey walk in front of me. 

I want to be the last one in, I don't want all eyes on me the second that I walk through the door.

Gerard pushes the door open, and I follow behind mikey, immediately feeling the warmth radiating from within the house the second that I enter. 

"Hey, we got her!" I hear Gerard call out, directed towards the people in the other room. 

I immediately hear shuffling and the heavy movements of who I can only recognise as my father.

He comes to face Gerard and looks at me, masking his face of disgust by smiling at me with a sickly sweet grin. 

"I would say would you like to join us in the room so that you can meet up or grandparents raven, but your anxiety is probably too bad for that" my father says in the fakest voice I think I've ever heard from him, the fake smile dripping from his mouth like venom.

"She's got chronic anxiety, so she probably won't talk to either of you, sorry about that, she can't help it" my father says, turning to speak to gerard and mikey.

I hate this fake side of him, the side that keeps me from telling the truth regarding his neglectful and abusive behaviours. 

To everyone around him he is a saint; simply a living man taking care of his wife and kid.

"Oh, uhh that's okay" Gerard says, looking at my father and then at me "do you want to come upstairs with me and mikey? To stay away from a lot of people" Gerard asks me, causing me to nod.

It would have been stressful for me to meet my grandparents, but I could have handled it, just like I handle my father. 

"Okay, I'll leave you to it then" my father says, giving me a dirty look the second that Gerard and mikey turn away. 

"Hey you must still be freezing from being in the car all that time, your parents have been here for three hours at least" mikey spoke, looking at me.

"Oh, I-I di-dn't realise that it has been that long" I managed to mutter out, my stutter slightly dissipating after my first couple of words. "They probably just forgot that I was the" I say gently.

They look a bit shocked that I've spoken again. 

"How can they forget about you in this cold though!" Gerard exclaims, keeping his voice low in the process. 

I hope he doesn't press the issue. Being left out in the cold is nowhere near as bad as the other things that have happened to me in my fathers care. 

I shrug my shoulders, looking at the floor slightly.

"Hey, lets go upstairs to our room, you can get warm up there" mikey says, gently guiding me up the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Gerard and Mikey have just left the room, leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I think they've gone to speak to my grandparents, they haven't been gone long, but already I find myself focusing on all the negatives.

I'd only been sat with them for around ten minutes in silence as they talked, on Gerards bed. 

I had protested at sitting on his bed, I'm not allowed on other people's furniture at home, but Gerard had looked at me like I was crazy for saying that it was disrespectful, so I decided not to protest.

It clearly wasn't normal, and I can't give up any hints towards my fathers abuse; he'll hurt me even more if confronted.

I get lost in my thoughts and find myself starting to let tears slip as I face the wall as I think of my pitiful existence.

It's not even that I'm particularly upset about anything in particular, it's just my brain falling into a blue sea of sadness. 

This happens sometimes, just waves of crushing tears and feeling awful for no reason whatsoever. 

These are the times that I want to inflict pain on myself the most.

These are times that the voices kick up and make me cry myself into a pit of exhaustion.

"Raven?" I hear a voice call softly, causing me to look up and see a concerned Gerard looking down at me. 

I let out a sob and curl into myself the second that I see him.

STOP! Stop it! You don't need his pity! You worthless fucking whore

I cry harder as the voices scream at me, causing my breathing to become harsh and fast.

I feel arms around me, as a body sits down next to me and pulls me into their chest.

Guessing by their size it must be Gerard.

"Hey, hey it's okay, it's okay" Gerard says gently, stroking my hair softly.

"Breathe with my raven, please" he speaks. 

I reach for him and pull myself even closer into his chest, finding comfort in his body heat. 

I try my best to get my breathing to match his, in an attempt to control my body's sudden burst of sadness. 

As I feel my breathing evening out I hear another set of footsteps enter the room.

"Gee what's going on, is she okay" I hear Mikey say.

"I don't know" Gerard says, truthfully as I try my best to control myself.

"Raven, are you okay?" Gerard asks me, whilst I stay clutching onto his chest, finding the safety that I had found in him previously even more strong. 

I've never had anyone guide me through a panic attack before, I've only had people to laugh at me and belittle me over them, this is new.

I force myself to pull away from him and give him a thumbs up, not daring to speak after my outburst. 

I hope they don't tell my father; that would cause issues. He'd accuse me of being an attention seeker, or even worse trying to get into one of theirs pants. 

Gerard looks at me and smiles, causing me to force one back. 

"Are you sure your good? What caused that?" Gerard asked, he genuinely looked concerned, which was weird for me, nobody ever gave a shit about me, not genuinely at least. 

"I-I don't know" I speak softly, causing Gerard to look at me almost in disbelief, it seems like he can see straight through me, that something had been wrong. 

But I try my best to play it off, pretending not to notice. Having somebody who seems like they remotely care is alarming, and I really don't want to go down that route of having him breathing down me neck like I'm a second away from exploding every ten seconds.

"You know you can talk to me, right? Or mikey" Gerard says, smiling a bit at the end "I know we haven't known each other long, and I regret that, I really do, I would have seen you as much as I could if I had known that you existed or where you lived" he says, looking down a bit sadly again.

"I-it's okay, honestly" I try my best to reassure him "I wish I'd known about you two sooner as well" I speak honestly, despite only knowing them for a very short while as well. 

I hear a phone start to ring, causing my head to snap up from where I'd been sat opposite from Gerard and looking at him, trying my best to hide my emotions from him. 

Mikey reaches into his pocket at pulls out his phone, flipping it outwards to answer it. 

I turn to gerard again and he smiles at me, bringing me into a hug. 

"I can't hear you Frank!" I hear mikey exclaim, taking me by surprise as he seemed quite reserved. 

I pull away from the hug and listen to mikey trying to get an unknown person called frank to speak into the phone.

I sit there, looking at mikey getting more and more agitated as he tries to understand what's being said down the other line of the phone when Gerard taps me on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, this is completely normal, our friend frank can't really work phones too well" Gerard says, cracking a smile as I turn to face him. 

"How long is he going to be trying like that?" I question, a smile playing at my lips lightly, my first genuine smile caused by another person in a long time. 

"it shouldn't be too long, our friend Ray is probably nearly here by now" Gerard says, causing my face to ghost white. 

New people.... new people....

What if they cause my newly found uncles to turn against me as quickly as they'd been nice to me?

What if they were like my father? What is they wanted to hurt me?

Gerard quickly, yet gently grabbed hold of my hand.

"Hey, don't panic, okay, their really nice, albeit a bit hyper" he says, causing me to breathe in deeply. I think he could tell I was on the brink of panicking. 

"Mikes!" Gerard exclaims, causing mikey to turn around "tell Raven that Frank and Ray are nothing to worry about" Gerard finishes.

"Frank and ray? Raven, you'll be fine, our band mates are really nice, you'll like them".

/////

And that's how I ended up sitting in the basement of my uncles, who I have only known for a grand total of two hours to exist. 

They had explained that they were in a band and this is where they practise, as they are currently working on writing some new music.

I had agreed to come and sit with them, and I am currently waiting for their band mates to arrive. 

Anything is better than being forced into the same room as my father. Anything.

And at least I semi trust my two uncles despite only knowing them for a very short period. They seem genuine in their emotions, unlike may others that I am to interact with. 

I had been introduced to my grandparents briefly on the way down to the basement, and they had seemed nice as well. 

But my awkwardness had to get in the way of things, making out interactions short. 

They had spoken to me of our living arrangements, explaining that my father and mother would be sleeping in the guest room, and that I could have Mikeys room.

I strongly supposed this idea, I don't want to steal his room, I don't want them to hate me.

But mikey has hugged me and reassured me, explaining that he's more than happy to share with Gerard. I think he had seen the panic in my face. 

My small amount of luggage has already been taken upstairs into 'my' new room by my grandfather, which made me feel guilt yet again. 

As I sit on an old, cracked leather sofa they have in their practise area, I watch mikey and Gerard playing about with the setup of their instruments; they look like they know what their doing.

I, on the other hand, love music to pieces, it usually bring the only thing that gets me through the day, but not knowing a single thing about the technicalities of it. 

I think they'll be good, I just hope that they play the kind of music that I enjoy, rather than the same old tunes that I persistently hear blaring from the radio. 

Theirs nothing wrong with that kind of music, it's just not for me. 

But going off of the amount of instruments and how Gerard and Mikey look, I think I'm going to be in for a treat. 

"Hey, the guys are here" mikey says directed to both me and Gerard, cashing me to sink down slightly into my seat, they'd just texted, meaning that they would be down any second.

"Remember what I said Raven, they'll like you!" Gerard says with enthusiasm, noticing my change in demeanour once again: I honestly don't understand how he reads me so well. 

Mere seconds pass and I hear footsteps running down into the basement, and immediately see a blur as Gerard is tacked init a hug by a skinny guy with black hair with a red shaved sides. 

I see mikey laughing at my confused expression, where seconds later a more calm man with long curly hair appears, he looks at me with confusion, and I turn to see that the other guy who was hugging Gerard turn to look at me as well. 

"Whose this Gee?" He asks, smiling as he does so, his demeanour reminding me of a young child. 

"So, Frank, this is Raven, those people that your probably didn't notice due to you running down here was my sister" Gerard explains, causing Franks face to light up.

"Sarahs back!" He exclaims, then comes and sits next to me.

"Are tou Sarah's daughter?" He asks me, seeming to notice my nervous demeanour.

I nod, causing him to bring me into a hug.

"Gerard I'm a fucking uncle!" He exclaims a she pulls away from him, causing mikey to shake his head, and the other man, who I presume to be ray to laugh slightly. 

"That's not how it works" mikey states, a smile playing at his lips.

"Yeah, well" franks speaks, searching for an answer "I claim her as an uncle!" 

I smile slightly at his antics, I think Gerard was right about his band mates.

Despite ray not saying anything I can sense that he is the same as the other guys, kind, caring. 

I think he's similar to mikey, shy, but nice

Or maybe it's just because I haven't been around them long enough to se their true colours 

Maybe it's because they can't stand to be around you 

I'm broken out of my thoughts by ray coming over to me and pulling me into a hug.


	4. Chapter 4

I end up sitting on the sofa, my legs kicked up, as I watch the guys set up their instruments.

I feel comfortable for one of the only times in my life, it feels strange, surreal, like somebody's going to come over to me any second and beat the ever living shit out of me. 

And yet they don't, they set up their gear, turning to smile at me every so often.

They look set up, Three out of the four guys with a guitar around their neck. 

"So...lets start with our usual practise and the. See how our new song sounds" Gerard says, facing the guys.

"That's sounds good, I'll turn on the fake drums" ray says, as he walks over to a speaker, causing me to look slightly confused, where is their drummer?

"Our drummer, Bob, is out of town at the moment, visiting family" ray says, seeming to sense my confusion, causing me to nod. 

Another person to meet soon; fun. 

Although if he's anything like the guys standing in front of me I'm sure he'll be nice. 

I hear the fake drums start up.

The guitars start as well, they sounds absolutely amazing; my kind of music. 

I turn to face them the second that Gerard starts to sing. 

"Well if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say" 

I freeze in place, their more than good, their perfect!

They can play well, they can sing well, and their music is just to my taste.

Frank turns to me and gives me a thumbs up and a thumbs down as he's playing, causing me to give an enthusiastic thumbs up, smiling widely as I do so. 

I could've sworn I've heard this song before somewhere, it sounds increasingly familiar. 

And that's when Gerard moves into the chorus. 

"I'm not okay, I'm not okay-ay-ay-ay-ay" 

I do recognise this song, it's from a band that I've heard multiple songs from, they're good, really good. 

I don't know their name, my cheap flip out phone not displaying names; I just know that I like them.

I turn my eyes to frank, who is laying on the floor and jumping all over the place like a madman, he continues playing as he kicks himself along the floor, right next to mikey. 

Mikey rolls his eyes at him, but continues playing.

—

I've sat for the past two hours watching the guys play, and lets just say that my respect for my uncles is higher than for anyone I've ever known. 

I feel safe.

Watching their antics as they play happily, their personalities shining through with the music they play. 

I feel like nobody will dare hurt me here, that nobody would force me to do things that I don't want to do. 

I feel like even if my dad were to start on me here, they guys would stop him and save me.

And yet; i know it won't go that way. 

He'll start on me when nobody is around, he'll threaten me.

He'll still abuse me, that will never change.

I sigh softly, trying not to show the emotion on my face. 

I need to stay happy at the moment, I need to keep the abuse hidden or it will just get worse. 

Much like the time that the school counsellor questioned me about my black eye and phoned home. 

He had beaten me to a pulp that same night, the whole time drilling lies into my head that I would have to splurt our come morning at school about my injuries. 

It was bullies, they were the ones hurting me.

And yet I still got hurt by the bullied at school, but never as bad as my own flesh and bloods work.

I hear a long guitar sound.

I watch as all of the guys run over and high five each other, smiling and sweaty. 

"So...what did you think!" Gerard asked, looking at me for a verbal response to their music. 

I smiled widely as I looked at them.

"Your amazing! I think I've heard you before but i don't remember your name because of my crappy phone" I say, as he comes over and sits next to me.

"Oh, we're My Chemical Romance" he says, causing me to smile.

"That definitely rings a bell" I nod.

Frank flops down on the other side of me groaning as he does so.

"What frank?" Gerard questions, a hint of laughter in his voice; Frank is definitely the child of the group. 

"I'm hungry!" He exclaims.

"Order a damn pizza then!" Mikey throws back at him, from where he's sat on the floor in front of the sofa.

I feel guilty about taking his seat, but immediately know that if I'd have gone to move to let mikey sit down Gerard would have immediately moved and give me his seat. 

"Actually, Raven, you haven't eaten dinner have you?" Gerard asks, turning to face me.

Oh fuck, their going to know, their going to know.

I need to play this off; I need to act fine.

"Oh, no, we've been driving all day, I've had a couple of snack bars that I snuck into my bag, but that's about it" I say softly "but please, don't waste your money on a pizza, takeaway food costs a lot" I continue.

The last part has been partially true; I didn't want them spending money on me

I hadn't had anything all day, if my father had seen me sneaking food into the car that would have been another beating, a beating not worth it over something I hate so much as food.

"Hey! It's no problem, none of us have eaten either" Gerard exclaims, trying to make me feel comfortable with the fact that he's spending money on me.

He thinks that's what the problem is, if only he knew the whole truth of it all. 

"Frank call them up! Order three extra large pizzas" Gerard says, flipping out his phone and handing it to frank.

FAT BITCH

I force the thoughts down, I'll hide my slice, or Pretend to eat it. And if all else fails I can throw it up later.

My original plan of my eating being self punishment has much faded, it's something I must do to survive. 

If I don't I can't cope. 

I can't explain it. 

The thought of food physically puts panic into my chest. 

It's something I need to do my best to hide from my uncles, I have a feeling that they would care about something like that happening to me.

"Hey, can I call you rave?" I turn to see frank nudging me with his elbow "you know, as a sort of nickname?" He smiles as he says so, his smile is incredibly infectious; I don't think I could ever be sad around him.

I've never had anyone want to give me a nickname before. 

"Sure!" I smile.

"You can call me Frankie, If you want" he grins. 

He points to Gerard "we call him Gee, mikey is mikes, and ray we can Frodude" 

I see ray roll his eyes back in exasperation.

"He says it's annoying, but he loves it really" 

"Frank! Pizzas!" Gerard says leaning over me to nudge frankie in the ribs. 

They all seem to be getting more comfortable around me in a short period of time, which I am grateful for. 

My anxiety tends to feed off of uncomfortable moments, and people acting like I'm not a waste of space and actually wanting to interact with me seems to help.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still anxious, but I don't feel as if I am going to fall deep into a sporratic panic attack at any minute.

"Rave what pizza do you like?" mikey asks me, causing me to shrug my shoulders, I really don't care as I probably won't eat any of it anyway. 

"Any is fine, I'm not fussy" I say, and in all honesty I feel as if I would feel incredibly guilty if I chose a pizza and then no one liked it, because I know that I'm probably going to avoid it consuming it. 

He nods and frank finally dials in the number of the pizza place, speaking into the microphone to place the order.

"So, do you want me to set up the tv" ray asks, pulling himself from the floor where he has been sat on a blanket shared between him and mikey. 

Gerard nods.

"Are you okay with horror?" He turns to me.

"I don't really watch movies but i love horror" I say meekly, I do love horror, although I rarely get the opportunity to watch it, let alone any kind of movies or tv shows. 

//

"GERARD!" I hear a scream coming from upstairs, causing me to flinch, it sounds like my grandmother.

Gerard hops up from his space next to me on the sofa, causing mikey to then jump up and steal his seat.

"Really, Mikey? I'm only going to get the pizzas!" Gerard exclaims in mock anger as he leaves the basement.

So that's where he was going, and that's why she shouted. 

I shouldn't be so skittish all the time, but shouting does put terror into me, it makes me feel as if pain will be coming my way shortly.

I keep my eyes plastered onto the tv as I wait for Gerard, he's put on a movie called carrie, it's only been on for about half an hour but I'm already enjoying it. 

The bullies remind me somewhat of the ones from my old school; I find that Carrie white has a lot of similarities to me.

When Gerard returns with the pizzas I hope that he doesn't notice that I don't want any, that would cause a lot of issues, and I am not ready to give up my coping mechanism, not until I'm skinny at least, it would be a bit different if my skin didn't pudge out in unnatural places, if you could see all my bones.

Gerard enters the basement again, causing me to break out of thought.

He sits down in front of me and places the three large pizza on the floor, opening them up to show a selection of plain cheese, pepperoni and what seems to be what would be called a meat feast. 

The guys immediately dive for the boxes, but I stay where I am, I can play it off as anxiety and they won't know any better, I hope.

The pizzas do smell, don't get me wrong, they smell nice, but they also smell of evil, the fat and grease disguising itself as a tasty meal.

Do not give in 

Do you hear me?

DO NOT EAT THAT

"Hey, raven, what one do you want? Don't worry about leaning over us, we don't care" Gerard speaks, causing me to internally cringe, I fake my emotions.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't want to be rude" I smile politely "the cheese one looks nice".

Gerard smiles and hands me two slices. 

//

I had slowly picked at the pieces of pizza that Gerard has given me, just until the last of the pizza was gone, I didn't need to be offered another piece, I'll have no doubt that this would have gone straight to my fat thighs first thing this morning.

I ended up eating both of the slices, it was scary ,truly scary, and I wished that I hadn't, but I feel better after.

I feel like my stomach is full, my hands no longer always feeling shaky, my body not feeling as if it's persistently full of air; floaty.

And yet I crave to have those feelings back, and I don't know why other than I want to be skinny. 

We're still watching Carrie, and I've ended up at the end of the sofa, my legs pulled up to my chest; curled up tightly, protectively, Gerard is on my right and frank has stolen the seat next to gerard, Mikey ray, laying down on the floor, with a thick blanket on it. 

I'm enjoying the movie, I'm enjoying the time with my newly found family. 

For the time being I can try my best to forget about my issues and just 'be happy'.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm running, running so fast my small legs can't keep up with my body and I stumble forwards, falling onto the forest floor. 

'It's dark, maybe I can hide' I think to myself as I lay flat on the floor, dragging myself into a nearby bush, hoping to god that my body is concealed. 

I stay silent, trying my best to keep my breathing silent, now is not the time to start panicking and get myself caught, he'll do it to me again if he finds me, and I don't want it, I really don't.

I hear his heavy footsteps plundering through the trees.

'Raven, Rayhven! Come out!" He speaks in his deep voice, making my breathing shudder, my father then stands still, alarming me, has he seen me? Can he hear me?

I feel a hand heap down on my foot and drag me from under the bush. 

He pushes me over so that I am facing him and stares me down, face full of anger so much that I'm sure that I will not survive this time.

"You little fucking slut! Sneaking around with all those boys from school! You should know better you little skank!" He shouts, getting up into my face, spirting as he talks, he straddles me so that I can not escape.

And yet I hadn't been 'sneaking around with any boys' I had been forced into a sweaty janitors closet by a boy years older than me. 

He had forced himself on me, a memory I try not recall, I want to push it to the back of my mind. 

It makes me feel dirty, sick, unclean, worse than any of my fathers beatings. 

The janitor had burst in right as the boy, Dennis I believe, had finished, and he was pulling up his trousers. All he has seen was me on my knees with my jeans around my ice les and him sipping his jeans.

He'd talked to the principal and I was in serious shit, for something that I had not wanted to do in the first place.

"FUCKING LOOK AT ME!" He screams, taking hold of my head in his hands and digging his nails in.

And then he starts, he punches me in the face hard enough for my ears to ring, and then stands up, him kicking me in the ribs until I feel ready to scream.

He kicks me multiple times in the face until i feel my lip split. 

He doesn't stop, he keep kicking, kicking, kicking.

I break. 

And I scream, my throat tearing at the velocity of it. 

I can't stop, I keep screaming, even when the forest scene leaves my vision.

Where am I? Where the fuck am I?

I can't breathe, I can't fucking breathe, I'm going to die. 

I hear hurried footsteps rush over to me, but I can't see them, I don't know who it is; and so I bolt, breathing heavily all the same as I rush past whoever had came to me and dart into the bathroom and lock the door behind me.

I'm still panicking, my breathing getting worse by the second as I start to hear frantic pounding on the door. 

I can hear voices as well, shouting, shouting so loud.

They want to hurt me, they want to get into the bathroom and beat me.

The room is spinning as I fall deeper into my uneven breaths, I'm going to die here. 

I lean back against the wall as I start to slip out of consciousness.

//

Gerards pov (I won't do these often) 

"Raven! Raven!" I shout, pounding on the bathroom door, the guys standing beside me.

She's breathing so heavily I feel as if her lungs are going to combust any second. 

I'm scared, I'm really scared for her, I just want to help her. 

She's only been in my life for less than a day and I can already see how broken she is; I need to help. 

"Please open the door!" I frantically plead as I hear her breathing become more ragged.

I feel someone grab my arm and turn to see frank, he motions for me to move out of the way before he begins to kick at the wooden door, it can always be replaced. 

He boots it heavily until it flies open, revealing raven laying with her head back against the tiles, she looks as if she's going to pass out at any second, flipping between consciousness and being awake. 

I gently push frank out of the way and go an sit next to raven on the floor.

I don't know what to do other than to wrap my arms around her small frame and bring her to my chest, she's gasping for her air still, and I try to conceal my panic, she will be okay, I just need to guide her through this. 

"Raven, it's just me Gerard, try and breathe for me, okay?" I say softly.

She seems to have relaxed slightly at me mentioning who I am, I don't think she recognised me when she woke up. Is that what caused her to panic? 

I want to speak to her about it, I honestly want to help her, but I don't want to overstep her boundaries, I don't want to scare her. 

She's a nervous wreck as it is, and asking personal questions like that will certainly not help. 

"1,2,3, breathe me with raven, it's okay, your safe" I whisper slowly to her, breathing with her and helping her to slowly return her breathing to normal. 

I turn to see the guys standing there still, watching her, concerned as well, I can tell that Mikey feels exactly the same as me, and Ray and Frank have already taken her under their wing. 

Her breathing slows down, easing my worry slightly, I'm glad that she hadn't blacked out.

Me and mikey had met my sister for about an hour and had talked and reminisced about old times after they had been in the house for several hours, I hadn't noticed their arrival until my mother had come to get me to tell me the news.

That was when the subject came up about why she left and she had explained about her daughter, who was still in the car. 

My sister husband has them butted in and said how Raven has anxiety and a lot of issues. I didn't like him already, I had never liked him when they had first gotten together.

Raven wraps her arms around me and pulls herself into my lap, catching me off guard, but still allowing myself to pull her closer to me as I embrace her, she's fragile and she needs this.

I feel her body start to shudder as I can only guess that she's started to cry.

I keep my emotions straight, I am feeling so hard for her right now.

I turn to look at the guys and they are all keeping distance, as not to freak her out, but staying present at the door which has swung open due to the lock being kicked off of it. 

Her body continues shaking as she keeps sobbing, heavier and heavier. 

"Raven it's okay" I whisper softly, stroking through her hair to try and comfort her, but all that happens is that she begins to sob harder. 

I look at the guys for help, I don't know what to say. 

Frank steps forwards, coming to sit beside me in the already cramped small bathroom. 

"Raven, it's frank, what's wrong?" He says softly, trying to help, but she still continues crying heaving, devastating, body wracking sobs. 

I share a look with frank, we both don't know what to do. 

And that's when she crawls out of my lap suddenly and crawls in the direction of the toilet, leaning over it and heaving all whilst still sobbing.

She definitely isn't sick, I'm almost certain that it's been brought on by the state of her sobs. 

Frank crawls over to her and sits beside her, rubbing her back, as she brings up her dinner until there is nothing left to bring up. 

She then slumps back against him, exhausted, and frank turns to look at me, a panicked look on his face.

"Gee, she's out!" He exclaims, but still keeping his voice low. 

I now notice that it wasn't exhaustion, she's fully blacked out, from the emotional pain or the lack of oxygen from her earlier panic attack I don't know. But I also know that throwing up after such an intense attack can't have helped, especially since she is on the cusp of being worryingly skinny, and that's all I can tell from her covered in a big, baggy hoodie.

Frank shuffles her into his arms in a bridal carry and lifts her up, making me stand and move out of the way.

"Move her onto the sofa, she'll probably wake up soon" I say to him, causing him to nod.

"Gerard, we need to help her, we really do" mikey says as I go and stand by him and I nod in confirmation. 

Ray shares a knowing look, we will all do this together, we can he help her, it may take a while, but I'm sure we'll be able to get her to open up. 

//

Black fills my vision, my eyes feeling heavy and my body light as air. 

Where am I? And why can't I see?

I push open my eyelids, the weight of it like a truck. 

I'm leaning against someone, my head in their lap. 

I look up, a man with shaggy black hair, Gerard.

And that's when the previous events come flooding back. If they weren't previously worried about me they'll definitely be now.

At least I had thrown up all of the pizza from earlier, to the point that it has began to hurt to bring up the bile from my heaving body. 

"Your awake" I notice Gerard day, looking down at me, causing me to nod, but the motion making me feel dizzy. 

It's fine, it's normal, it will go away in a minute.

However, I think, Gerard notices and gently helps me sit up, leaning me against him for support.

"Are you feeling dizzy or faint still" he asks me, concerned. 

I want to lie, I really do, but I have a feeling that he will be able to see straight through me, and considering I'm squeezing my eyes shut to stop the rapid palpitations of the room, I nod my head gently, as not to dizziness any more. 

The faintness is normal for me though, but I try my best to hold on to reality for the sake of Gerard, not allowing the black biting at the edges of my vision to take over.

I feel someone sit next to me where my feet are curled up onto the sofa. 

I manage to force open my eyes gently to see mikey, he looks concerned, just like Gerard had, but a real concerned, not the type that my father showed the school when he had been called in for me being beaten up for the fourth time in a week. 

He has an energy drink in his hands which he gently hands to me, where I'm leant against Gerards shoulder.

"Drink some for me? It'll help get your strength up so you don't pass out on us again" he speaks gently, causing me to notice that Frank and Ray are still here, sitting on the blanket once again. 

I feel bad that I've stolen their bit of sofa, and if I'm every invited down here again I'll make sure to be the one on the blanket. 

I don't really want to drink it, it must be full of calories, but if it will get them off of my back I guess I'll force myself to, after my little event of passing out I really can't let them get onto me. 

The top is already cracked open; I trust them enough not to have put anything in it. 

I gently drink it, pulling myself away from gerards shoulder as I do so, not wanting to spill any on him. 

I finish the entire can in the same amount of time that it takes my vision to return to normal and the shaking of my hands to cease. 

When I'm done mikey takes the can back. 

"Hey, you feeling better now?" Frank asks, from his place on the floor.

I smile at him softly, at least what happened before hasn't forced them from wanting me around.

"A lot, yeah, thank you Frankie" I say gently, using his nickname and making him grin slightly.

They all seem to share a glance between them, and I immediately know it's about me. Their probably debating asking me about what set me off.

"Raven?" Frank says gently once again, I think he must've just decided to go for it, and I don't blame him, I think he was the one that I had passed out against.

I turn to him.

"What happened? Was that a panic attack?" He questions, not accusingly, just softly, as I'd be wants to help.

I answer as honestly as I can, not wanting to go in depth on a lot of things.

"I-I had a flashback in my sleep and I woke up and didn't know where I was and so I ended up panicking, I don't exactly remember what I dreamt about though" I reply, causing frank to hum softly. 

He seemed like he wanted to ask more, but dropped it, I think he could tense the nervousness in my voice. 

It must be late into the night after my little episode as I find myself yawning.

Gerard immediately wraps an arm around my shoulder, causing me to turn into his side. 

I end up laying in his lap like how I had passed out before, and find a blanket getting laid over me, by I presume mikey, who takes hold of my curled up legs and puts them onto his lap. 

I feel myself drift off into the hum of sleep...surrounded by a group of people who may actually care about me.


	6. Chapter 6

I flutter open my eyelids and immediately notice my surrounding this time.

I'm wrapped up in Gerard's arms, snuggled into his chest, his legs turning to lay up on the sofa in the night. The rest of the boys spread out on the floor in a pile of blankets m.

I feel safe in his arms; secure.

Judging by the noises of people chattering away upstairs it must be late into the morning, which would make sense; I must have kept the boys up late with my breakdown yesterday and drained them of all their energy. 

I wish they hadn't noticed, but I guess that's what screaming my lungs out over a stupid flashback does.

I decided that I should probably get up and unpack some of my clothes from my small suitcase, as well as get out of the boys hair and give them some room to breathe. 

They can't be dealing with a mentally ill teen for too long; it would drive them insane if they knew the extents of my issues, and that is why I'm going to keep them hidden. 

I gently make my may out of Gerards comforting embrace, being careful not to step directly onto frank as I step down from the sofa. 

I keep my footsteps quiet, something that I am greatly practised at due to my dads bursts of anger. 

Before I move to go up the stairs I turn to behold the sight in front of me, the four boys all blissfully passed out within arms reach; I smile, they all really care about each other, I just hope that maybe I can worm m in way into their hearts like that and be cared about too. 

I finally decide to leave the basement before one of them wake up and finds me looking at them all like psychopath. 

I make my way upstairs to where mikey had showed me to be my new room. 

I still felt guilty about it, I don't want to take him private space away from him, but then looking into it, I'm sure he wouldn't mind bunking with Gerard, considering how close the two were as brothers. 

His room was quite decently sized, and had a double bed plastered beside the window, it was nice; painted a dark grey, almost grey with a multitudes of band posters splattered around the walls. 

I feel as if that is how my bedroom at home may have looked if I was allowed to show my personal interests and decorate it myself.

Instead it stayed slate grey with a secondhand mattress that felt like a hospital bed. 

But then again, as my father had told me multiple times, I had to be thankful for what I had; for I could have nothing at all.

But then again, living with him seemed worse than the possibilities that could come to me from living in the streets. 

My small suitcase was settled onto the bed with  
jet black bedsheets, and by looking at the bed, I can already tell it looks a thousands times more comfortable than my bed at home. 

I decide to sit on the bed and test it out, to put my suspicions to the test. 

And that's when I start going through my small suitcase, sat cross legged on mikeys bed. 

I begin pulling out my three meagre pairs of work black jeans, all much too big for me, and my five T-shirt's, lucky finds at the local charity shop, all found over a time span of a couple of years, they were all graphic prints. 

I pull out my other black hoodie, also much too big for me, and fold it, putting it onto the bed with my other items of clothing. I decided to keep my underwear in my suitcase, mikey had only cleared the beside cabinet for me, which was more than enough space, but I still didn't feel comfortable putting them in there. 

I then spot my toiletry bag at the bottom and decided to also keep that in my suitcase, I don't know what bathroom I am supposed to be using, and I also don't want anyone to go digging through it and find my large amount of blades; that's a secret that I want to keep to myself. 

Once content with what I'm keeping in my suitcase, I zip it back up and slide it under mikeys bed to keep it out of the way.

And that's when I hear footsteps coming up into my bedroom and entering, and by the sounds of the heavy stomps it must be my father.

I don't know why I didn't expect him to come up and see me at some point, I guess I was just wishing that he would leave me alone.

He comes and stands above me, closing the door on the way, only meaning one thing, he plans to beat me. 

"So, been sleeping with your uncles then?" he says, keeping his voice semi quiet, yet still dripping with malice at his unwanted child. 

How did I not know he would accuse me of something like this, after being sexually assaulted at school he has persistently accused me of being a whore and a slut; when I had never asked for it in the first place.

"Answer me" he says, staring into my eyes, before placing his hands on my face, faking love and affection for me.

"No-no, I would never" I say softly.

SLAP.

His hand comes down onto my face just like I had predicted it would.

"What I have I said about being a dirty little whore?" He says, spite dripping from his tongue.

I know what is coming, I know to stay still and be quiet.

He places his fingers roughly through my hair and throws me to the floor, he doesn't go for my face, being careful not to leave a mark that can be seen as he punches me in the stomach, leaning me to lay on the floor as he then proceeds to kick me multiple times.

Tears stream down my face, but I make no noise, only bad things would come from me making noise or showing my fathers actions, he's said it himself. 

He places a final, heavy kick to my chest rather than my stomach, and then smiles at me.

"You deserve this you little slut" he whispers before turning and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him and leaving me to silently cry on the floor. 

//

After about ten minutes of laying on the floor I decided to get up and immediately find myself grabbing for my razor in my suitcase. 

I don't think, i just do, as I wipe the tears from my face and step into the bathroom, locking the door behind me as I begin slicing up my thighs. 

Not stopping until I see black spots clouding my vision.

I deserve it, I deserve it. 

Worthless whore

Fat bitch

Ugly cunt 

Undeserving of love 

Useless

The thoughts bounce through my skull as I leave one final cut on my thighs. 

My jeans are pulled down and I'm bleeding heavily.

Although it's nothing new for me, I'm used to passing out at home. 

I still don't understand why my father can't leave me alone, why he hates my guts so much. 

He always has, and he always will. 

I wish he would care, but he never will, so I'll leave him alone. 

My self mitigation started a couple of years ago after my father had shattered a mirror with my head in one of his fits of rage and it had dug into my arm; I had liked the feeling, and so it has spiralled into a futile addiction. 

I keep quiet as I wash my hands and begin to wrap toilet paper around my wounds.

I rarely cry when I cut, the blood being a release in itself. 

It takes a couple of attempts to securely wrap my legs up, the blood soaking through, making me have to start over, but once I am satisfied that it is unlikely to seep through my jeans, I put the almost used toilet paper roll back and wash my blade, sliding it into my hoodie pocket as I leave the bathroom. 

I had washed my hands and face, all evidence of the events hidden away, the mass of bruises and cuts concealed my clothes, I've learned by now how to conceal the pain when walking; a master of disguise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slightly shorter chapter, it’s more of a filler than anything, hurts going more into depths about Ravens issues and relationship with her father. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this so far! :)


	7. Chapter 7

After my little episode earlier I've decided to Saturday away from everyone, my father, my uncles, their band members; everyone.

My things sting and my stomach hurts, I feel like I need to throw up from the sheer pain, but yet theirs nothing I can do about it, because all that will come up is bile, something that will hurt me more to bring up. 

I lay in mikeys bed, tucked under the covers, and face the wall, being too short to look out of the window.

I had put my clothes away earlier and they were nearly tucked into the little beside dresser.

I decided on keeping the same jeans and too on as yesterday, keeping my hoodie pulled tight around me.

I feel miserable, not an unsuspecting feeling for me, but unwelcome all the same.

I'd rather feel numb than this down. 

Why can't I feel numb like I always used to? Why can't I just take my fathers beatings without them getting to my head.

He's beaten me since I was around five, the attacks getting progressively worse over time. 

My mother knows, but theirs nothing she can do, it would make her get hurt more, and I try my best to get in the way of my fathers attacks on my mother.

My mum is a nice lady, jet black hair and glasses and a slender frame. 

She's quiet, much too quiet than how she used to be.

When I was younger she used to take me out to the park and overall just have fun with me, but now she sits and obeys, just like a dog.

I hear a knock on my door but don't bother to say anything, if it was my father he would have just burst into here anyway.

"Raven, do you want to come out and watch a movie with the guys" I recognise the voice as frank, he must have not gone home at all by the sounds of it, they've probably been practising all morning.

I sort of zoned out, so I must not have heard them.

From the corner of my eye, I see how dark my room is, the sun already set, and the light shut off as I couldn't be bothered to turn it on. 

I don't answer him, and I hear a sigh, he's fed up with me already, I can tell. 

I hear mr door click open and see light streaming in. 

He flicks on the light switch and I continue looking at the wall, maybe if I pretend I'm asleep he won't try and get me to come with; I don't want to drag the rest of the band down like I did yesterday. 

"Raven, I know your not sleeping" he says softly.

He comes and sits on the bed next to me, causing me to give in, he's not going to relent.

Maybe he's worried about me after yesterday, but it's probably just guilt, everyone always pities me or pretends that I'm not fucking everything up. 

I turn over and look at him.

"Come down with us? Your grandparents want to see you" He pleads, making me sigh.

"I don't know, I'm pretty happy up here" I say softly, but I think he can hear the misery in my voice despite my efforts to mask it.

He raises his eyebrows at me.

"Yeah, what were you doing up here laying in the dark then?" He questions jokingly, a smile playing on his lips.

I don't know what to say to that, and just shrug my shoulders half heartedly; whilst I would love to go downstairs and chill with guys, I don't want to bother them. 

"I'm tired I think I'll stay up here" I say softly.

Franks looks upset.

"We've got takeout, Chinese food!" He exclaims, causing me to shrug. 

"I'm good really, I'm fine up here" I say once again.

And that's when frank gets a mischievous look in his eyes, he reaches out under the covers and grabs a hold of me, flinging me over his shoulder before I have chance to respond.

I immediately feel my body tense up, it's not from franks touch, I feel safe with him, it's from the thought that he's probably going to take me straight down into a room with my grandparents and parents.

The looks my father will give me if I'm taken down on franks shoulder. 

"Frank!" I explain softly, my voice tense.

He immediately freezes, still holding me just outside my room.

"I-I don't feel up to seeing my grandparents, too many people" I lie through my teeth, although my anxiety effects me, I know it wouldn't have affected me too badly in this scenario, and least I don't think it would have.

"Hey, don't worry, I'm taking you down to the basement anyway, Gee thought you'd say that" he says gently, easing my stress as he continues walking with me flung over his shoulder.

Thankfully the room that everyone else is in was shut, they didn't see me. 

We enter the band room and I'm still flung over franks shoulder. From my upside down position I see everyone's eyes on me.

"Gee! Tell him to put me down!" I plead, eyes locking with Gerards, causing him to laugh. 

He motions to frank and I feel my feet touch the floor.

Immediately I notice the takeout boxes on the floor, great, more food that I'm going to be forced to eat. 

Gerard comes over to me and hugs me softly, followed by mikey and Ray which is weird, I'm not used to hugs at all, especially not as a way to welcome someone. 

Ray and mikey are sat on the leather sofa, and I decided this time that I'm going to go through with what I was saying the other day and sit on the floor, where I am soon joined by frank, who pulls me into his lap.

I don't feel uncomfortable at the action and feel myself relax against his chest as I kick my legs out. 

"So...why did you force me down here then Frankie?" I say, turning to look at him, as Gerard comes and sits next to me and frank.

"We thought we could have another movie night!" Frank says excitedly, causing me to smile, his childlike demeanour always making me smile. 

'Trick R Treat' is displayed on the tv in front of me, deciphering the question that I was just about to ask. 

"Oh, theirs takeout over there, we haven't started on it yet because we didn't know what you'd want, so we just ordered a bit of everything" gee says, turning to looking at me with kindness in his voice yet again. 

I honestly don't understand why their being so nice to me. 

"I don't really mind which, maybe just some chicken?" I say softly, my mind immediately thinking of the lowest calorie food that their might be. 

"Oh, yeah, we got just plain chicken or sweet and sour chicken, which one?" Gerard asks.

"Just plain" I reply. 

"Yes! We can all eat now!" I hear frank say, pumping his hand into the air, causing me to giggle but then feel guilty.

"You guys didn't have to wait for me, it's your food and your money" I say softly, but I am immediately clamped down on by Gerard.

"Frankie only came to get you when it arrived, and we wanted you company" he said it on a way that left no room for argument, despite my head telling me that I was burdening them.

The guys all got up and picked up their Chinese food, frank moving me off his lap as he grabbed mine, it was plain chicken with rice.

At least it wasn't as high calorie as the rest of the Chinese food.

You shouldn't be eating anything at all you fat bitch

I sigh from where I'm sat inbetween Gerard and frank, I can't not eat it, they'll notice, but I also can't disappear and throw it up either, they'll think I'm upset again. 

I pick at it with my fork, taking small bites.

And that's when Ray turns on the movie. 

It immediately starts with somebody watching porn.

I burst out into laughter.

I feel Frank quickly press his hands over my eyes.

"Who picked this!" Mikey exclaims, causing me to laugh harder.

"Frank you don't need to cover my eyes I've seen worse!" I exclaim, chuckling more as he removes my eyes.

"I picked it" Gerard pipes up, causing everyone to turn and look at him, shocked.

"What! She watched Carrie last night, that's gory as fuck!" He exclaims.

"And I also kind of forgot about that part" he says, chucking, making everyone laugh. 

When the guys are done with the food I'm still picking at mine, and take that as an excuse to place it into the pile of the guys food. 

Nobody noticed me doing so, or they thought that I had finished my food. 

I hope nobody checks over the rubbish, as, while it's folded over like the others, it still has quite a bit of weight to it.

A strange sense of guilty pride hangs over me for my 'accomplishment'. I know it's bad to do, and yet the little voice in my head keeps nagging at me, reminding me that I'm a whale.

The second that I put my food in the pile and come and sit back in between Gerard and frank I feel a duvet being draped over me, and immediately feel myself shifting into Gerards direction, which he greatly welcomes, putting his arm around me as I curl into his side. 

I suddenly have a gust of courage come over me. I feel safe around Gerard, I have to tell him that; maybe it's just my lack of positive human contact speaking. 

"Gerard" I whisper so that none of the others hear me, he hums, seeming to notice that I only want him to hear me.

"Thank you, for everything, you make me feel safe" I whisper, causing a smile to spread onto his face, and him to take hold of my hand and squeeze it.

I think he can recognise that I'm not the kind of person to say things like this.

"Raven, thank you, I'm happy I make you feel that way, and you know you can come to me or any of the guys if you need help with anything?" He whispers back, causing me to nod, and rest my head against his chest.

I don't know how to express how much being held means to me, from the cuddles from Frank and Gerard, and the hugs from mikey and ray, it really means a lot to me. 

I'm not used to physical contact, and having that makes an overwhelming sense of happiness cross over me every time.

"Hey, Raven, I love you okay, and all of the guys do" he whispers softly, brining tears to my eyes.

Love

A word that I have been told that I am undeserving and unworthy of.

"I love you too Gee"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I just wanted to as a question.
> 
> Are my characters to out of character? 
> 
> I’m trying my best to write them as best as I can, and I’m sorry that ray and mikey aren’t in it as much, they will be later don’t worry, but because they seem like the shyer ones, especially at first I thought I’d keep them kind of quiet. 
> 
> It was just a thought that was going through my head as I was writing this lol


	8. Chapter 8

I feel hands touching my body, and open my eyes widely. 

I'm in mikeys bed somehow, and I'm also face to face with my father.

He has the same malice on his face that he always has for me. 

He hates my being as if I personally chose to come out of him and impregnate my mum and ruin his life. 

One of the boys must have brought me up here when I passed out next to gerard, at least my dad didn't see that, he wouldn't have been happy that I'd been being a little 'whore' again.

"Up! Now!" He says quietly, yet sternly, I have a feeling that theirs people around the house, he ca r get away with the abuse at the moment, for anyone could walk in at any second.

My bedroom door is shut, but I can hear voices just down the hall from mikeys room.

SLAP 

I feel my face burn as he gives me a dirty look and turns to leave.

"Get dressed now! You need shit for school" he speaks, keeping his voice low yet again, and still filled with anger.

He leaves and I stop my self from curling into a ball and crying.

It could have been worse, much worse, I need to grow up and get a hold of myself in these situations.

I decide to unravel myself from the bed and get dressed, not wanting to make him have to beat me, but also to get my mind off of it.

I rummage through mikeys drawers and pull out another pair of worn black jeans, some underwear, as well as a new graphic Tshirt and decided to keep on the hoodie that I've been wearing the last few days. 

I take my bundle of clothes and my little toiletry bag and make my way to the bathroom, clicking it shut behind me. 

I make quick work of getting changed and then proceed to brush my hair, parting it to the side, it's always a messy fringe with choppy side bangs but I like it.

I cut it myself, and although it always looks better with a little bit of hairspray, I rarely have any, so I'm constantly flicking it back into my place when I can be bothered with it instead of just letting it all fall down into my face.

I begin looking into my bag for some deodorant when I come across my blade.

Do I or do I not.

My internal debate is cut short as I rapidly take the blade from the bottom of the bag and run it across my wrist multiple times.

I rarely cut on my wrist in fear of being caught, but my brain seemed to short circuit in those few seconds as I worked on instinct.

BANG

"Raven, you in there?" I hear Mikeys voice.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

I quickly but quietly grab hold of some toilet paper and wrap it around my bleeding arm.

"Yeah, I'll be out in a couple of minutes" I reply.

Why am I like this? 

Why can't my brain function like a normal persons. 

I hear him turn to walk away and continue dressing my arm. 

It hasn't been too close to my hands ends, further up my wrist, so at last it's unlikely to be spotted by anyone.

//

When I exit the bathroom and go downstairs to find my father I see Gerard looking at me with a confused expression on his face. 

"You alright Raven" he asks, eyeing me up, causing me to nod.

"Do you know where my dad is?" I say, trying my best to hide my cringe at the word 'dad, he doesn't deserve to be called that. 

"Oh, umm, he's in gone back to bed" he says, I look at his with a confused expression on my face.

"He said he was taking you out to get school supplies and stuff, but I volunteered to do instead, and he seemed pretty happy with that" Gerard says, cashing a smile to push up onto my face.

At least I won't have to deal with my father all day; and even better I get to spend it with Gerard.

"We've just got to wait for mikey to get ready, his straightening his fucking hair again" he lets out a chuckle as he speaks. 

So that's why mikey had been trying to get into the bathroom.

"So, umm, what do you actually need, your dad didn't really say anything before going back upstairs" Gerard say. 

Typical of my father, dumping my sorry case on someone else so that he doesn't have to deal with me.

"Oh, umm, nothing much, maybe some pens and a notebook" I say, trying me best not to be greedy.

I know I could really do with some new clothes, but I don't know where or even if they have any close charity shops, and I don't want to be greedy, I need to keep everything to the bare minimum.

"No, you need more than that" Gerard states, causing me to shake my head.

"Hey, don't feel awkward, we can be out for as long as we need, it's no a problem" Gerard states.

Of course he thinks that's the problem, especially with how haywire my anxiety has been the last two days; well, how it always seems to be no matter what. 

"And, if you feel anxious we can stop, okay, and give you time, or you can wait in the car and mikey and me can run in and get what you need" he says softly, causing me to smile.

What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

I walk closer to him and wrap my arms around him, taking him a bit by surprise; it's always been him that's initiated physical contact before. 

He pulls his arms around my short frame.

//

I'm sat in the back of Gerards old, black car, as he pulls out from the drive.

Mikey hadn't taken too long to straighten his hair into perfection, in fact I'd probably taken longer with my frantic search for my docs, which had somehow ended up in the basement, on the seat to the drum kit.

Gerard flicks on the radio and it's instantly filled with rock classics, David Bowie filling my eardrums, the music he plays is good, and the music he listens to is great. 

Mikey had offered me the front seat but I had declined, he looked ready to force me to have it but didn't push it, which is something I've noticed with all the guys; they seem to notice when I feel too uncomfortable or feel like a burden around them. 

I'm not sure if it's a a good or a bad thing to be honest.

"So, how about we head to Walmart first and then the mall?" Gerard questions, causing me to shake my shoulders.

"Theirs nothing I would need at the mall" I reply, causing Gerard to turn around and give me a look.

"A couple new pairs of jeans maybe, some T-shirt's, a coat?" He asks, I shake my head, my father would be furious if that amount of money was spent on me.

"Oh, umm, how about if theirs any charity shops or anything around, my dads a bit tight on money after everything" I say softly.

"Oh, don't worry, we've got some money to spend on you, after not seeing you for years, honestly, don't worry about it, we'll get you what you need" Gerard says in a soft voice that left no room for argument, he could tell the way I was feeling yet again. 

"And don't feel bad about spending our money, we wouldn't offer to buy you stuff if we didn't have it" mikey says, turning around to look at me.

//

We enter the Walmart and I immediately find myself sticking to Gerard as the amount of people intimidate me, I'd usually just keep to myself when my father would force me to come out shopping by, forcing myself to not break down in fear of his rage. 

Gerard seems to notice my discomfort and makes sure to keep near me, I know that it's pathetic, but just the presence of him near me made me feel safe. 

Mikey leads the way into the stationery section and Gerard and me end up picking out a notebook and a sketchbook, as well some pencils, pens, rubbers and a sharpener; the basics.

"Are you sure you don't want anything else? You don't have to buy all the basic products" mikey sats, coming up to my left side.

"Honestly I'm fine with them, they work just like they need to, and this is more than I'm used to" I reply, causing him to nod, they both seem to recognise that we were poor before, considering that we lost our house.

We continue around the Walmart, which is not that busy as a whole, and I end up with some hairspray, the item that I'm probably the most happy with, as well as some deodorant, which I had quickly selected, not wanting to embarrass either of my uncles, but to be honest they seemed to not have cared less. 

I end up relaxing slightly in the quiet store, unlike how I would when I would come out with my father. 

It's so much easier, I don't have to worry about my every word being counted against me in my fathers rage; it feel strange, yet so nice, something that I could find myself getting used to.

But I do need to remind myself to always keep alert, he will never leave my life, and he will always be hungry for my bloodshed.

I hop into the back of Gerards car, placing the small, yet much too large in my terms, bag of items on the seat next me.

//

We pull up into the parking lot of the incredibly large and busy shopping mall; it is a Sunday after all.

I feel uncomfortable, it is much too large for my liking, and the thought of being squeezed into that space surrounded by judging eyes is scaring me.

"Raven? You okay?" Mikey asks, turning to look at me and noting my freaked out expression. 

I shake my head, no.

He exits the car and comes and hops into the back with me, pulling his arm against me and pulling me close.

He seems to get that physical comfort helps me, something that I hadn't even recognised myself before I experienced the genuine side of it just two days ago. 

"What's up?" He says softly, while Gerard swings round in his seat to face me as well.

"I-I don't even know to be honest, it just looks busy in there" I reply honestly, my brain was just having a moment. 

"Me and Gerard can stay right beside you, we won't let you get lost or hurt" Mikey says, causing me to smile softly.

"We'll be as quick as we can, theirs a shop that I'm sure you'll like, just to get you some jeans and some T-shirt's, we don't have to go anywhere else, promise" Gerard speaks, causing me to nod.

That doesn't seem too bad.

I know for a fact that if I really didn't want to go in that I wouldn't be forced by them, but I do genuinely want to go and potentially have some nice clothes for once, it's just the overwhelming anxiety flooding my chest.

I still feel guilty about them potentially spending money on me, but try my best to hide it, I don't want them to be annoyed with me if I decline.

I pull my body closer to mikey and he holds me for several seconds before I pull away. 

"Okay" I say softly.

"If you feel overwhelmed tell either of us okay, we want to keep you safe" Gerard says gently. 

I nod.

I know that I won't even if I do, I know that their trying their best to make me feel comfortable; but at the end of the day I need to make sure I don't shelter myself too much, I need to get on with things just like a normal human being.

We all exit the car and make our way into the shopping mall, I decided to cling to Mikey, who seems to have no problem with me doing so, as we walked into the crowed shopping mall. 

I find myself constantly reasoning for him, to check what he hasn't been lost among the crowds, as well as constantly looking around for Gerard.

I think Mikey noticed this, and took a hold of my hand in a gentle way, not in the way of keeping a naughty child from getting lost, but in a way of basic human compassion.

I feel like everyone is staring at me, but brush it off, deciding to keep my attention of Gerard, who is walking just ahead of us, a black leather jacket pulled over his shoulders, as well as right skinny jeans fit to his legs. 

Mikey wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a black hoodie.

Even from their simple outfits I could tell that they had good taste; well at least a taste that was similar to mine. 

I could definitely see Gerard rocking up to one of his shoes wearing an exquisite outfit, he seemed like the kind to not give a fuck what people thought about him, I admired that about him.

Gerard stops in his tracks as he approaches a dark looking store, and turns to look at me.

"Are you okay getting stuff from here?" He asks me, causing me to look inside of the window to see clothes with a dark looking aesthetic. 

"Yes" I reply, hoping to god that my anxiety clad voice can be heard over the hard hitting noises of the mall. 

I just hope that it's not too expensive in there as I walk in with Mikey still holding onto my hand.

//

I have my eyes on a black pair of ripped skinny jeans, as well as some graphic T-shirt's, they weren't overly expensive, and they were items that I would definitely wear.

However, as I'm browsing I catch my eyes on a black leather jacket with studs picking out from the shoulders and all over the jacket. It is absolutely amazing looking, and definitely something that I could see myself living in. 

But I can't ask that of Gerard, it's much too expensive.

I decided to turn away from the jacket and catch my eye on a silver studded belt

"Raven, found anything you like yet?" Gerard comes up to and I nod.

"I found some jeans and a couple of tees" I reply.

"What about that jacket, I saw you looking at it just now" Gerard says, motioning to the jacket that stood just a little way away from where I'm standing.

Fuck.

"Oh, umm, if just seemed a bit much, it's cool though" I reply, causing a deep grin to set into Gerards face. 

"Don't worry, I'm getting it for you, get that belt as well, it'll go with the jeans" he replies, causing me to hesitantly nod, I really don't want him to spend that much on me. 

"I don't know, Gee, that's a lot of money on a jacket" I reply, causing him to shake his head.

"I'm getting it for you! It will suit you down to the ground I can already tell" he replies, his mind is made up, and whilst I am incredibly happy that I'm getting the jacket, I feel an overwhelming guilt settle over me and smile at him before making my way over to mikey who is gazing over the shoe section.

They all look so cool, and if it was down to me and money wasn't an option I would probably get them all. 

I end up settling my eyes on the necklaces, and much to my dismay Mikey ends up practically forcing me to pick them out, and I wind up with a big spiked red choker, as well as an upside down pentagram necklace. 

We then meet up with Gerard and he checks out, causing me to immediately feel the overwhelming guilt surging through me.

I end up standing incredibly close to Mikey, and I think he picks up on my emotions, as he pulls me into his chest. 

I wrap my arms around him and feel his prescence alone help me.

"Mikey?" I whisper so softly I doubt he would hear, but I feel him nod against me.

"I feel guilty, really guilty" I whisper once again as I pull away from Mikey; as much as I would have liked to continue the hug, I feel like it would have been weird considering that we're in the middle of a store.

He gives me a look that I can't quite place and replies "Don't worry about it Raven, honestly, we have the money, and it isn't even that much stuff that you've picked out".

I try and force out a small smile and find myself reaching for his hand as Gerard comes over to us to lead us back out of the large mall. 

He takes it quickly, seeming to notice that it helps to calm my anxiety, and we leave the store, trailing behind Gerard as he weaved is through the large mall and to the exit.


	9. Chapter 8

"So, Raven, what do you want to eat for lunch" Gerard says from the front, causing me to systematically feel a pit of dread forming at the pit of my stomach. 

"I don't mind" I reply, my fear of my habits being found out saving me.

"Okay, Mikey are you okay with the local?" Gerard says, causing Mikey to let out a small laugh. 

"We were literally there earlier this week with Frank and Ray" he replies.

"Yeah but Ravens never been there!" Gerard says, laughing as he does so, making me feel as if some kind of private joke is hidden behind their words.

They continue to talk to each other and I find myself slinking back into my seat and watching the world go by out of the window.

I see the streets form into one big blur as I end up focusing into my thoughts, losing myself in my my own head, as I stare forwards, seemingly at nothing. 

//

I pull into a parking place at our local diner that me and the guys go to a lot. 

It's cheap, and good, so theirs really no room for arguments when it comes down to it.

Mikey goes to get out the car when I turn around to notice that Raven is staring at nothing. 

She seems transfixed so much on the nothing that her eyes are wide open, practically unblinking, this worries me.

Although I've barely known her long, I can already tell that she needs help with a lot, which I'm more than happy to help with. 

She's truly a nice person, but I can tell that she's hurting, and I think I'm not the only one who sees it. 

"Raven, we're here" I speak, hoping to gain her attention.

And yet nothing, no signs of her paying attention to me.

I sigh, I know she wouldn't have ignored me on purpose, her anxiety seems to get the better of her whenever anyone talks to her.

I end up hopping out of the car where Mikey is looking at me; confusion evident in his eyes. 

"What's up?" He ask, pushing his glasses up to his nose.

"She looks likes she's zoned out or something, I can't get her attention" I say to my brother, causing him to look at me with a worried look on his face, expressing my concerns visually.

He says nothing, and wordlessly walks towards the back of the car and opens the door where she is sitting, she's staring blankly at nothing, so calmly.

I see Mikey gently put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump slightly, she turns to look at him, her eyes still wide.

"Are you okay?" He asks her, causing her to nod her head, until a sense of realisation looks to pass over her face.

"Did I do it again" she whispered, seemingly to both herself and Mikey at the same time.

Mikey seemed to give her a pointed look at this.

"Did I zone out?" She questioned, causing Mikey to nod.

An embarrassed look crossed over her features as she whispered something, I couldn't hear it from where I was standing, but I have a feeling it was along the lines of 'sorry'.

Mikey pulls her into a hug and I immediately see her relax into it; the poor kid just needs a hug.

//

Raven is sat next to me in a little booth in the diner, she looks anxious as she toys with the sleeve of her hoodie.

Our food is due to be arriving soon and I had ordered a burger and fries, Mikey ordering the same. 

Raven had taken a long time looking at the menu and had decided on just some fries, stating that she had a little appetite. 

I decided not to question it; but it's definitely something I need to keep my eye on.

I've struggled with an eating disorder before and I can see some symptoms displayed among her.

However, it could just be her anxiety; and challenging her about it would definitely not help. 

"So, how are you feeling about starting school tomorrow?" I ask, turning my head slightly to face her as turns to look at me. 

"I-I don't really know" she replies softly, I'm guessing she's nervous, which is understandable, she doesn't do well with people, and that many crowded together in a large, school building couldn't be a nice thought.

"It'll be okay" I reply, causing her to focus her eyes on the table once again, a worried look casting over her eyes, I definitely haven't helped, if anything I've made her think about something that she hasn't wanted to have in her mind.

"Do you have your phone on you?" I question, cashing her to nod her head and look at me with confusion.

I motion for it and she places it into my hands, where I open it up and tap in my number, followed by Mikey, Frank and Ray.

I hand it back to her and she look at it and snaps it shut, placing it back into her pocket.

She looks confused.

"If you need someone to talk to, if you get nervous or want to come home" I say honestly, hoping it will help, I don't want her to feel alone in this.

And although we haven't been in her lives for barely any time whatsoever, she seems to have taken to us, she's nervous, yes, but I think it will take a while for her to fully trust us to the point of talking to any of us openly. 

"Thank you" she replies with a smile playing on her lips.

"And don't worry about bothering us, we'll be happy to help you out"I reply.

And at the moment the food is brought to our tables, the hot food filling my nostrils as I immediately take a bite from it, burning my tongue and then choking on my Diet Coke as I try to soothe it. 

I see Mikey from the corner of my eye and he is seconds away from losing it, I even see an amused expression on ravens face.

"You okay there Gee?" Mikey questions, comically raising an eyebrow.

I unconsciously chuckle, causing the coke to come flooding from my nostrils.

Mikey can't contain himself as I frantically grab the napkins and clean up the mess; thank god it's not overly busy in the dinner.

He's choking on his laughter, and I look up in surprise when I hear Raven let out a laugh, making me smile.

//

"Mikes, do you think she's okay?" I ask Mikey, eyes flirting between him and the bathroom where she had disappeared to about ten minutes ago.

"Gee, she'll be okay" Mikey replies, an uncertain look on his face.

"Give her ten more minutes and we can go check on her" he states.

//

I sigh as I push my fingers down my throat once again, expelling my mistakes down into the toilet below.

I don't cry, and I keep my gags silent.

I have to be quick, they can't know what I'm doing in here.

I had eaten the portion of chips that they had   
Provided me with but the guilt had been too heavy to handle. 

This is something that has to keep between me, myself and I. 

I notice blood in the toilet bowl and stop; satisfied.

My throat is burning and as much I regret eating, the guilt of what I have just done hangs heavy in my ears, I know I shouldn't be doing it, and yet I can't stop myself.

I flush the toilet, checking my knees for any sign of dirt, before rinsing my mouth out in the sink and washing my hands. 

I make my way back to the tables trying my best to act as normal as possible, I feel shaky, and slightly dizzy, but I ignore it.

It's a sign of progress.

I shake away her voice, I don't need her nagging at me all the time, screaming in my ear. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Gerard says, as I slide back into the booth beside him, him and Mikey have nothing finished their food and drinks; I must have been gone a while.

"Yeah, I'm okay" I reply, hoping to god that they don't question it, and they don't, at least not verbally.

I see worry flash across Gerardo face.

Fuck

I really need to pay attention to my actions more, I really can't have him finding out.

//

Slice 

Slice 

Slice 

The blade drifts across my thighs in a steady rhythm.

I close my eyes as I do it, the stinging becoming too much as the blood drips down onto the bathroom floor. 

I know it's a lot, it knows it's more than I should be doing, and I can't stop. 

I feel guilty, guilty for making them worry about me, guilty for intruding onto their lives.

The car journey back hadn't been awkward, not at all, Gerard and Mike had been chatting, letting out a few jokes, but yet I had been so lost in my own head that I had drifted down into a spiral. 

Thinking about school and my useless, pitiful existence. 

I know tomorrow is going to be awful, it will one hundred percent be awful. 

And maybe thinking that way won't help, but it's all I can do; I'd rather not be blinded by hope. 

I'd came upstairs after thanking Gerard and Mike, and not long after had locked myself into the bathroom and started my 'activities'. 

My wrists are tingling, begging for the blood to drip down.

My debate doesn't last long before I begin to live into my left arm as well. 

I really am a fucking mess.

—————-


	10. Chapter 9

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I snap my eyes open to see my alarm chaotically buzzing.

School

Fuck. 

I quickly shut it off and jump out of bed, not wanting to upset my father and cause a beating. 

It's 7.00 am school doesn't start until 8.30, I have about an hour to be ready. 

I decide to get myself dressed, and walk towards the drawers, pulling out the ripped pair of jeans that Gerard had got me yesterday, as well as one of the tops and chokers, I debate wearing the leather jacket but think against it, it's too expensive, I can't risk it getting defaced or stolen. 

As I go to pull off my hoodie that I had slept in I immediately notice the crusted blood congealing over my little 'session' from last night, the blood no doubt also crusting my thighs, 

Maybe I should have a shower. 

I think to myself, as I pick up my clothes and walk towards the bathroom.

The scabs are fine, but the remains of stale blood littering my skin can definitely go, I'm not exactly a neat freak, but I don't think anybody would be particularly happy with smeared blood all over their arms and legs, even if it is their own.

I shower quickly, making sure to keep my hair out of the stream of water as I clean out my cuts.

The water is hot, so hot that it burns, but I prefer it that way; either painfully hot or frightfully cold. 

After my shower I make quick work of getting changed into the ripped jeans, thankfully the cuts being low enough down that my cuts aren't at risk of being visible, and the rest of my clothes, before brushing out my long hair.

It falls in my face, and I brush it into my side swooping fringe adding volume slightly to it with my brush, before setting it with the hairspray that Gerard had got me. 

It looks good, the best it's been in a while, as it had actually made an effort with it. 

I feel more confident having actually made a small effort with myself, and decide to add a tiny flick of eyeliner to my face, which I had stolen months ago. 

I had felt too awkward to ask Gerard for any yesterday, and we hadn't really been near any shops that sold it, expect for being stores in the mall, and I hadn't wanted to enter those. 

My naturally pale skin definitely stood out with all the black, and I had a feeling it was quite noticeable. 

Personally I liked my pale skin, and my dark aesthetic, but I know that I was going to get picked on for it, it had happened before, it will happen again. 

And yet I'd rather turn up as my whole self rather than something I'm not, I'm going to be anxious, as I always am, but I'd rather be myself and anxious, rather than someone I'm not and anxious.

i turn away from the mirror, and exit the bathroom, taking yesterday's clothes with me and stuffing them in the drawer, I notice the time 7.35.

I decided to listen to some music for a little bit, it's only about a twenty five minute walk away, and I don't want to be early, that would be weird, especially on my first day. 

//

With my cheap headphones in, and my music blasting on full volume, a band called Hawthorne Heights to be exact, I don't notice Gerard enter my room, until he touches my shoulder softly. 

I flinch 

Not intentionally, but I still flinch all the time. 

I take out my headphones and look up at him. 

Quickly glancing over at the clock, 7.55. 

"Hey, do you want a ride to school?" He asks me, smiling as he does so. He's dressed in a skeleton onesie, and I don't blame him, it's early, a did school didn't exist I think I would have formed a habit of sleeping until well into the afternoon. 

I shake my head, a frown forming into his face.

It's not that I don't want a lift, It's more that I know if people see me getting a lift, especially from someone of his age they'll question it. 

But not only that, I know my anxiety will be worse, I won't want to get out of the car, and I'll be more likely to have a breakdown, I can't risk that happening.

"Are you sure? It's not an issue at all, I'm happy to do it" he says again, and I feel bad, he does genuinely want to make sure I'm okay. 

"No thank you" I reply softly, but when I notice him looking like he's going to say something else, I continue "A walk would help clear my head a bit, I don't want to be really anxious before going in" I reply, partly the truth and partly a lie. 

He seems to believe me and nods understandingly.

"Okay, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you get there safely, remember, you text me or any of the guys if you need to at any point, we won't be upset with you" he speaks, honesty lacing his voice.

"And I'll pick you up after school?" He asks, a grin forming in his face, I smile in response, I couldn't say no to that. 

Fuck it, if people question it at the need of the day he is my uncle.

//

With my cheap headphones in and my worn doc martens pressing into the pavement, I notice more and more teenagers beginning to walk around me. 

I must be near.

I pull my hoodie around me, it's winter, and it's cold, but I don't own a coat, so shrunk I'm thankful that the guys hadn't picked up on when they had taken me out to get me some clothes.

Coats are expensive. 

I notice more and more eyes on me as I walk closer to the school. 

I check the time on my phone, it's 8.25, which makes sense considering the mass amount of teenagers lunging towards the large building.

I try and ignore the teens, trying to turn up my music even louder despite it already being in max volume, I feel like I can hear them all around me, their talking about me.

I try and ignore them, for those aren't the teens that I can hear, that would be certainly impossible considering I can only hear Alex Gaskarths voice through my headphones, I can't even hear the sounds of cars moving past me. 

Facing the ground and away from my peers, I walk into the building, biting into my cheek as I do so; a nervous habit of mine.

Nobody can tell that I'm doing it, and the physical pain always seems to distract me. 

The inside of the building is swarming with teenagers, a large mix may I add. 

The stereotypical mix of the popular kids, the nerds and the just the average people.

It's a normal school, so I can immediately tell that I'm not going to fit in here whatsoever, it's just how it works. 

I keep my eyes low, I physically can't make eye contact, the thought of it scares me to death. 

As I walk I keep my eyes open, following a sign in the wall pointing to the 'reception' I plan that that will be the best place to go to figure out where to go. 

I continue walking until I push a door open that should be the reception. 

As I do so I see a woman at the desk, she looks in her 40's, and done with her job; she really doesn't look happy at all, and my anxiety is screaming at me not to bother her, but then if I don't I'll probably end up having a panic attack for not knowing what to do, I don't really have an option here. 

I walk up to her desk and speak, as she looks at me.

"H-hi, my name is Raven, I-I'm new here" I says voice barely above a whisper, stuttering as I do so, really making a great first impression.

If I didn't have to speak I wouldn't, but immediately know that that won't work, at least not until I'm in class. 

I can often be a selective mute because of my anxiety, but sometimes going mute makes me more anxious; it's hard to explain. 

She sighs. 

"Last name?" She asks. 

"Way" I reply in confidence, my mother had kept her last name, she'd said it was pretty, and I have to agree it's a lot better than my fathers previous second name. 

She types something into her computer and prints something out, the entire time giving me a look of despair. 

She clearly didn't want to be here, and neither did I.

She places the papers into a pile and hands them to me. 

"This is a list of all of your classes for the week, underneath is a map" she states blandly, I nod, taking the papers from her desk and trying my best to get out the reception as quickly as possible. 

//

After checking the time, 8.45, I made quick work of scanning over the map to find my first class, which was English, beginning at 8.50. 

I tested my uncoordinated brain as I stumbled around trying to find the correct room. 

I've never been good at geography or trading maps, so this was definitely an interesting task. 

I followed the map into the English block and noticed that I was looking for a door with the markings 12A on them, which I spotted quickly.

I slide the pieces of paper into my hoodie pocket before taking a deep breath and entering the classroom.

The stress alone of entering this building and trying to steer myself away from the crowds of people already had my anxiety going haywire.

Keeping my face to the floor to ignore the looks that I could feel burning into me from the students that already entered the class, I quickly found my feet and moved to the back corner, where no seats had been occupied yet. 

The teacher was already present, but she looked disinterested as she flicked through her laptop, the lesson hadn't started yet, the time reading 8. 48.

Seated in my chair, I watched as the rest of the students trickled in, their eyes all flicked to me, and I saw some of the students nudging their friends to look at me; I tried to ignore it as I began to scratch at my hand. 

A boy came and sat near me, a cocky grin on his face as he did so, his friends following suit and Siting in the other empty seats at the back.

He kept staring in my direction, and I tried my best to look away, not wanting to make eye contact with him, he seemed like a popular kid, perhaps one of the most popular popular kids. 

I don't care about making friends, I really don't, as I've never had any in my life whatsoever, I can deal with loneliness; I just really hope that I don't get bullied again, 

As the teacher began her lesson a girl near the front of the class turns at points directly at me. 

"Who is that?" She asks her in a sweet voice laced with disgust, her face morphing into a glare as she turns to look at me. 

"Oh, that must be Raven, she's our new student" the woman says with a wave of her hand, she doesn't seem interested, she seems to just want to get in with her work, and I can't blame her for that.

All the students, however, turn to look at me with that comment, and I internally feel myself sink into my chair, I can't wait for this day to end.

//

The lesson ends and I feel myself rush to leave the room, my anxiety kicking up after being stuck I a room with so many people, I hadn't spoken to anyone, or spoken a single word, not even when the boy next to me had made a comment disguised as a question, 

'So are you an emo then?' He hadn't said it nicely, and even if I had wanted to respond my anxiety had me frozen on the spot. 

I ended up being one of the first to exit the class, and instead of looking for my next class, which I had earlier determined to be maths, I decided to walk to the bathroom, not running, but also not walking slowly either. 

But as soon as I entered the small room I seemed to have determined my mistake. 

All eyes were on me, and immediately a girl with long blonde hair dressed in clothes deemed as 'popular' stalked over to me, sashaying her hips as she did so.

If anything I'd say she was pretty, her outfit was cute, not to my taste, but it certainly worked on her. 

I'd never understood the divide between people based on looks.

"Hey, what's your name?" She sneered at me, coming up to me and putting her face inches away from me, the other three girls, who I assume to be her mindless followers enclosing around me. 

I didn't respond, I couldn't respond, for I was frozen with both fear and anxiety. 

These girls were unpredictable unlike my father, I know exactly how he tends to act before a beating. 

However, basing it off of the girls from my old school who had behaved in a similar way, I know that the difference between speaking and not speaking doesn't cause a great deal of difference. 

"Cat got your tongue? She speaks, smirking as she does so, before turning to face her friends, a full on grin forming into her face as she brings her knee to my chest and kicks. 

I show no emotion. 

I let her do what she's going to do.

It doesn't really hurt, not like the beatings that I've experienced at the hands of my father.

I zone out as they continue their attacks on me, and I only come back to as the lead girl slaps me across the face. 

I'm laying in the bathroom floor. 

"This was fun, see you next time, Freak" she says, her voice curling over the last words as she lets out a small cackle and kicks me with her shoes one last time on the way out. 

I literally hadn't done anything to any of them whatsoever, but I guess that's what I get for dressing how I do, and being who I am.   
//

I'm trying to make the bands relevant to 2006, but I couldn't resist sticking all time low in there, dear Maria came out in 2007, so close enough lol. 

Please let me know if this book is okay, I'm really not sure if it's decent to read lol.


	11. Chapter 11

After laying in the floor for quite some time, thankfully with no one entering, I decided to get up and immediately push myself into one of the stalls, snapping the floor lock shut as I do so. 

I don't want to go back to class, I can't. 

I know that if my father finds out I will get a beating, but at this moment in time, quiet frankly, I know that my body physically could not handle leaving the small stall. 

I slide down onto the dirty bathroom floor and find myself starting to cry as I begin to overthink everything. 

Why couldn't life just work out for once?

What had I ever did to those girls to be treated that way?

I let myself silently cry for what must have been a long time, as I heard the bell go signalling the next lesson. 

I didn't care. 

I just sat there lost in my own thoughts.

I physically couldn't stop my weak heart from letting go, and my pitiful silent cries turned into hefty sobs.

Immediately I felt myself reaching for my phone. 

I should call someone, they said it would be okay if I did.

Burden 

Do not let them know 

Don't cause issues for your family 

I slid my phone back into my pocket. 

//

I checked the time, 3.25.

I ended up spending the whole day on the bathroom floor, settling for listening to music for the rest of the day. 

I know that tomorrow I'm going to have to face it all again, and I can't hide away all day then. 

I'm going to have to get used to it, just like I did at my old school. 

I can't have a mental breakdown about begging attacked, I just have to let them do it and then walk straight back to class, just like I've done before, just like I should've done today. 

I pull myself from the ground and brush myself off, it was slightly dusty.

I make sure that my sleeves are covering at my arms, during my little 'episode' I had started to scratch at my wrists, making the self inflicted wounds from last night open up. 

There was a bit of blood standing my wrists, but nothing that you could see with my sleeves pulled over them.

As I went to exit I pulled my plain black backpack over my back, and unlocked the stall.

I quickly checked myself in the mirror, luckily my messily styled hair looked fine; as that was the look I was going for. 

It was a good job that I didn't have any mascara, as it would have definitely ran, my eyeliner, however, as it was just a simple, clean wing on both eyes, hasn't ran, which I was thankful for. 

I decided to exit the bathroom promptly, to try and exit the school before crowds or kids came gushing out. 

I quickly found an exit among the deserted corridor and pushed the doors open, leaving the school premises quickly and starting to walk down the road a bit. 

Not a lot, but just enough so that it wasn't blatantly obvious that I had left a few minutes earlier than I was supposed to. 

I heard the bells ring from inside of the school, and the noise of busying teenagers. 

Ring ring 

I quickly noticed my phone going off and took the call. 

It was Gerard 

"Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm parked up down a road called monroeville drive" he speaks, causing me to nod and then internally slap myself. 

"Oh-okay, I'll be there soon" I reply, quickly ending the call and looking around for where he was. 

I vaguely remember passing a sign for that road on the way to school, and quickly find myself walking towards Gerard's beat up car. 

He notices me quickly, and gives me a grin, before hopping out of the car. 

Nobody is down this road yet, thankfully, it's quiet. 

He pulls me into a gentle hug and I immediately feel myself relax against him. 

Seconds later, however, I feel someone come behind me and pull me into a hug, causing me to let out a small shriek. 

I feel my breathing quicken, but quickly find myself calming down after I realise it's just Frank, pulling me into his chest. 

I see Gerard give him a look from the corner of his eye, he probably noticed that I got slightly panicked; which I really shouldn't have done, I do need to learn to control my emotions. 

I hug him back tightly and find myself smiling, seeming to forget about the events of the day after just two hugs; although the first one from Gerard would have probably worked too. 

I eventually pull away, reminding myself that school kids will probably be coming out around this street school.

"So, how was your first day?" Franks asks me excitedly, causing me to immediately keep my large smile plastered onto my face, it was partly fake; but they didn't need to know that.

"Oh, it was alright, boring, but alright" I reply. 

"Make any friends?" I hear Gerard pipe up, causing a shudder to immediately run through me. 

"Not really, just a few casual acquaintances" I reply.

Gerard seems to buy it, and motions for me to hop into the back seat of the car, which I gladly do, Frank taking the passenger seat. 

//

We've been in the car for ten minutes, which doesn't seem right, we also don't seem to be going in the right direction to where the house was. 

I don't really think about it. 

My brain feels foggy.

And my legs feel weak.

Floaty.

This happens sometimes, and I know that it is probably an effect of my bodily starvation that I just can't seem to help. 

"Raven?" Frank asks, turning around in his chair to wave his hand in front of my face. 

I must have done it again, zoned out.

It's becoming a more and more regular occurrence. 

"Are you okay?" He asks, a concerned look coming onto his face, and from what I can see in the mirror, a similar expression plastered on Gerards.

"Sorry" I reply, and then add "did I zone out?".

"I think so" he replies, causing me to nod.

"Don't worry about, it just comes with my anxiety" I lie through my teeth, hoping they will feed into my lies. 

I truly don't know why I zone out, it just happens.

A look of realisation, however, crosses over onto his face, he bought it. 

"Okay, so what do you want for dinner? We were thinking of pulling into the drive thru" Frank says.

I think for a minute.

"I don't mind" I reply, honestly, I really don't, because I know that all will happen is that it will end up in the bottom of my toilet. 

//

As we pull out from the McDonald's drive thru frank thrusts a couple of bags over to me. 

They smell good, very good. 

It's greasy. 

It will make you fat. 

I sigh, I know that I have to limit the amount of it that intake, as well as remove that from my stomach later. 

I hadn't known what to get, so frank had ordered me chicken nuggets. 

We had quite a large order of food, since Mikey and ray were waiting for us back at the house, they were there for practise, and to be honest, to just hang out, frank and Ray never seemed to leave, which I didn't mind at all, I enjoyed their presence.

"Raven, can you hand me some fries?" Frank asks, a grin present on his face.

"Frank, eating in my car again?" Gerard asks with fake annoyance, causing me to smile slightly.

I dig through the bag and pull out large fries and hand them to him. 

"Raven help yourself to some" Gerard says, causing me to nod. 

A couple of fries couldn't hurt.

I began to nibble on the salty fries as we pulled up to the house. 

I hadn't had too many, I was in the clear, at least in my mind I was. 

I placed the packet back into the bag, and as we stopped Frank came and helped me with the bags, leaving me to shrug my backpack over to shoulders as I entered the house behind Frank, leaving Gerard to lock the door. 

I immediately noticed my dads eyes on me from the corner of the living room, and kept my head down low as I followed Frank down into the basement, where, within seconds of stepping foot, Mikey came over to me and pulled me into a hug. 

And seconds after mikey pulled away I felt ray wrap his arms around me as well, Rays hugs were nice and incredibly warm, sort of like a bear hug without the painful aspect. 

Gerard appeared downstairs quickly, and everyone started to eat their McDonald's. 

I ate a nugget and some fries, as well as sipping through my entire large Diet Coke. 

I claimed to the boys that I had had a big lunch at school, when in reality I had simply not eaten breakfast or lunch. 

Mikey ended up claiming my uneaten nuggets, claiming they were 'food of the gods'. 

Shortly after they had eaten I ended up sprawling myself against the sofa as they began practise. 

If only school and my father didn't exist life would be simply perfect. 

I felt myself relax into Gerards voice and Franks crazy guitar playing; he really did give his perforce, practise or not, his all.

Ray played with a heavy expertise, never missing a single note, and Mikey played almost completely still, Almost as if he was lost in the music. 

I was beginning to recognise some of their songs a lot more clearly now, and I was able to differentiate between their two albums that they had released, Bullets and revenge.

However, when they started playing their next song I could immediately tell it was from neither albums, it had to have been something new.

"And if your heart stops beating   
I'll be here wondering   
Did you get what you deserve?   
The ending of you life —"

I listened as they continued on with song, the lyrics combined with the melody immediately had me hooked it was good, really good. 

I think Gerard noticed my peak in interest, and when the song ended he motioned to the guys that was practise was over. 

I moved my legs so that I was simply sitting on the sofa, and Gerard came and sat next to me.

"That's a new song that we've been working on, for our new album, it's called dead" he says, causing me to grin in excitement. 

"It was so good, I really like it!" I reply honestly, feeling my excitement shine through, my anxiety seeming to have crashed right out of the window around the guys.

Gerard smiles at the comment, and I notice a slight sparkle in all of their eyes at that, I think I must've been the first person to have heard that specific song. 

//

hopefully I'm going to be updating a lot more now because I got an iPad for Christmas, and it's so much easier to type on than my phone.


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